Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
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I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.