Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
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ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.
Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.