Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
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whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.