Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
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Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*