Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
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*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
Note to self: always read the final line
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?
Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
Guilty! 🤪
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.