Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
You Might Also Like
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
get you a girl who
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah