Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
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I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
How is it still this week?
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
In space, no one can hear…
[my wife wants an expensive audi]
ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each
HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?
ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each
[an hour later]
ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act