Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
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Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”
Wouldn’t that be something?
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids