Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.

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Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.


I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.


My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.


To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.


Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.


Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.


“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*


Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!