@fadethepublic77

Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.

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@Julian_Deane

Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.

@JohnLyonTweets

I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.

@DanMentos

My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.

@KevinFarzad

To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.

@UncleDuke1969

Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.

@ReticentTurnip

Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.

@WienerToboggan

“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*

@donni

Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!