Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
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Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths
*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*
Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
A collection of me turning into random objects.
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.