@fadethepublic77
@Julian_Deane Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
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@Julian_Deane 
@JohnLyonTweets I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
@DanMentos My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
@nPhelendriqal Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
@KevinFarzad To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
@riot4rach [pronounces modeling like yodeling]
@UncleDuke1969 Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
@ReticentTurnip Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
@WienerToboggan “honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
@donni Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!