Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
You Might Also Like
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
OKAY DAD
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow