Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
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I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.