Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
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[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
Donkey Kong sommelier
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
This is me
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.