@StuForReal

Maybe jesus needs me in his life

You Might Also Like

@tira_tira_tira

Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.

@BuckyIsotope

*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital

@daemonic3

Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?

Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.

@jordan_stratton

SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.

ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?

@iwearaonesie

*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*

“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”

@SexytotheNorth

The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!

…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.

@mrtruthandsoul

How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?

@lovemydogduck

Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.