Maybe jesus needs me in his life
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Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
Reached the age where my body is like, “oh yeah, forgot to tell you, we can’t eat cucumbers after 7 P.M. anymore.”
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.