maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
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presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
this chia pet tastes awful
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
it’s the silliest best thing
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?
Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.