Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
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Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
Selfie
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
All. The. Damn. Time.
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
Just had my nails done!
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.