maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
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In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.
Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.
M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee
H: Still right beside you.
me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
WATSON: do you even have a proper education?
SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson
WATSON: but, like, beyond that
SHERLOCK: nah
i’m laughing very hard in real life
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”