“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
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I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?