Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
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A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
This is a whole mood;
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.