@daemonic3 “Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”
@Smug_Lemur Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
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@daemonic3 
@IchBins_SN I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
@MadHatterMommy Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
@le_buns they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
@UncleDuke1969 Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
@mom_needsalife Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
@rockymomax [moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
@Andee_Stewart My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
@loribuckmajor Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
@Playing_Dad [Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?