@Smug_Lemur

Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”

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@daemonic3

“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”

*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*

“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”

@IchBins_SN

I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.

That said, could someone please call for help?

I got startled and am stuck in a tree.

@le_buns

they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”

@UncleDuke1969

Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!

@mom_needsalife

Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.

@rockymomax

[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope

@Andee_Stewart

My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.

Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.

@loribuckmajor

Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.

@Playing_Dad

[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?