Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
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Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.