Maybe my washing machine keeps telling me it has one more minute left in the cycle because it’s connected to the wifi and doesn’t want to stop scrolling TikTok.
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It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
My head is starting to get dented from hitting rock bottom so often.
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
I am, perchance
FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
[later]
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”