Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
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Cndnsd Mlk
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
I already tried new things thanks.
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”
I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.