Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
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Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
But is it really??
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
There is no “ea” in Tim.
The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.