Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
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Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.