Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
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Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots