Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
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Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
The beauty industry:
For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen
For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
[First Date]
No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
[Second Date]
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
Leaving the Barbers like
Same post same
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.