“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
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I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
What a chick magnet..
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
Dishonest mechanic?
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
DOG: *prancing and enthusiastically wagging*
WIFE: the dog got the mail again
ME: damn, why does she only chew up the ones addressed to me?
WIFE: because she knows you hate bills
ME: …
DOG: *still wagging*
ME: WHO’S A GOOD GIRL?!
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.