Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
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The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!