Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
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People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment