Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
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Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
Happy Halloween 🎃
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look