Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
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Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.