Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
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I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
My son 🙋🏽♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.
If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…
5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.