Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
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How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
Aaaa…CHOO!
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
yeah 😭
[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!