Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.

oh, my cursed amulet is making me possessive and greedy? of course you’d say that. you want my amulet all for yourself.

If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.

[CPR dummy coming home from work]

WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?

DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job

Tuesdays are the worst so here is the funniest video of all time

Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!

Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either

*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”

*sees locks of hair on floor*

*looks at daughter*

*looks at American Girl doll*

“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”

“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “

IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers

IKEA double challenge: add cats

IKEA triple challenge: now wine

Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!

6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.

Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string

Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.

H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.

Me: *giggles

7: You guys are being weird again.

Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.

Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks

I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.

Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.

My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal

wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?

I want a job waking people up that I dislike.

Or I guess I could just get married

Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry

I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”

Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!

Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.

“You’d better run, egg!”

Wife: We are lost

Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine

roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep

[at dog park]

ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.

THEM: is, is that a crab?

ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.

I went to collect my dracula costume, ready for Halloween. They handed me a Manchester United shirt instead.

I explained, “Sorry, you must have misheard me, I wanted to dress as a COUNT!” 🧛🏻‍♂️

If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.

Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”

Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”