Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
You Might Also Like
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?