Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
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Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a monthFunhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.