Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
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My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]
90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️