Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
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Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said
[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
all bases covered
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor
Neighbor: *talking, shifts*
Me: *shifts, too, talking*
N: *moves, keeps talking*
M: *moves, too, keeps talking*
N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?
Me: Yes
N: *laughing*
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
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Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation