Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
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Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.