Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
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Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
(Jupiter –
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater