Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
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You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
Had a spot of bother earlier.
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.