Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
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Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
My purse is deeper than some people.
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
oh good, now I can stop drinking
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING