@robdelaney

Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.

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@TheAlexNevil

I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.

@SomthinBoutSara

I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down

@chuuew

WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into

ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich

@daddygofish

7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?

me: yes

7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?

me:

@DamienFahey

If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.

@Cheeseboy22

If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.

@jakob_huber

One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.

@fro_vo

Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost

@online_shawn

If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’