Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
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Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.