Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
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ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them