Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
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I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
What in the hipster hell is going on here
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.