Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
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Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
starting a garage orchestra
For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
Don’t we all.
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
