Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
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A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“How many likes?”
“You’re a goner.”
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.