Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
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help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*