Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
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My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”