MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
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friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers