#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
You Might Also Like
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
[cross-country trip]
me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap
passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic