MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…
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Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?
Me: Bat cheese?
4: Yes
Me: Bat. Cheese?
4: Yes. Bat cheese.
Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?
4: For my car
Me:
4:
Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!
4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.