McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
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I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
I hate when that happens.
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety