Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
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If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
My dog learned how to text
My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?
Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it
Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?
Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off
Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?
Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out
…we don’t have cleaners
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.
[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*