(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
You Might Also Like
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
consequences, the bane of my existence
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
what is cheese if not milk persevering
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.